I spend so much time talking about having our own backs and taking responsibility for ourselves. I guess part of what I’m talking about is having resilience. We all secretly crave a life without difficulty or conflict; however that sadly is just not realistic.
Instead I like to focus on the idea that we can stand tall in the face of life's inevitable demands. And even in time, begin to revel in them. Once we become skilled at staying centred and living with integrity and intentionality, we discover something truly great. The thrill of a challenge. The opportunity to really flex our resilience and to show to ourselves and the world what we are capable of. Grace under fire. Calm in the storm. A sense of achievement after an arduous job, done well.
That truly is a magnificent feeling.
I will ask my clients when working through tough times: “Who do you want to be in this moment?”
They can answer: "Courageous"
Courage is defined as the ability to do that which frightens us.
But in order to face that which frightens us we must first know what frightens us. Often naming something helps in the battle, because the fear of the unknown is often more frightening. “I'm scared of looking stupid.” “I am worried I will stumble my words”. “I'm frightened they won't like me.”
Courage is not the absence of fear. Courageous people do feel fear, but they are able to manage their fear so that it does not stop them from taking action.
They do this not by trying to irradiate the fear, but rather by controlling the sometimes debilitating emotions that accompany the fear. The emotions that we actually can control.
They can also answer: "I want to behave with Grace"
Grace to me speaks of gratitude - a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible.
With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives, even during hardship. In the process, people usually recognise that the source of that goodness lies at least partially outside themselves. As a result, gratitude also helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals — whether to other people, nature, or a higher power.
Courage is not the absence of fear. Courageous people do feel fear, but they are able to manage their fear so that it does not stop them from taking action.
In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.
Psychotherapeutically, if we suffer from negativity, anxiety or depression, low self-esteem or codependency, rewiring our brains to focus on appreciation and gratitude will help increase the dopamine and serotonin in our brains and bodies.
A great way to start is with a gratitude journal. Get a special journal just for this purpose, and each night before you go to bed make a list of at least 10 things you were grateful for that day. Soon you will see and feel your grace everywhere.
Or they answer: "I Want To Be Happy"
Self-judgement is really at the root of a lot of our unhappiness.
And we tend to find it harder to stop judging ourselves than others. In most cases we can forgive a friend for a misstep so much easier than we forgive ourselves. With a friend we can be kind and compassionate and accept they made a mistake and move on.
With ourselves we are hardly as forgiving. We judge ourselves for our mistakes, and then we judge ourselves for judging ourselves.
So what is judgement actually all about?
Judgement is when we try to control our behaviour and feelings through a set of rigid expectations. We chase a self-made ideal, and when we don’t live up to it, we judge ourselves.
We know our friend is so much more than that one mistake. They are a multitude of amazing things and that one mistake does not define them; it was just that… one mistake.
With ourselves however, we internalise it all. We ponder on that ‘mistake’, we let it fester and we beat ourselves up for it. Because this is all happening inside of us, it does not trigger our empathy response, so it makes it a little harder to let it go.
With ourselves we are hardly as forgiving. We judge ourselves for our mistakes, and then we judge ourselves for judging ourselves.
What we need to do is notice the thought and internal judging, sit with it for a while, recognise what we are doing, and then with compassion, choose to forgive ourselves and let it go. We cannot choose how we feel, but we can choose the thoughts that we have (which dictate our emotions) and by actively choosing to let go of these thoughts, we will slowly start being a better friend to ourselves.
What kind of friend are you to yourself - really?
They can answer: "Be Strong"
We cannot control a lot of what happens to us, but when we learn to embrace difficulty, hardship or criticism, amazing things can happen.
First things first, embracing these gives us:
Opportunity to Practice Emotional Regulation:
If we’re trying to develop our emotional intelligence we are working on our emotional resilience. So something’s happening that is evoking painful and possibly reactive feelings in us? – Bring it on! We will breathe through this.
Chance to Display Impressive Composure and Maturity:
Show to ourselves and the world we have serious self-esteem and can hold our own in any situation or conversation.
Hold The Possibility that It’s Not Personal:
Bad things happen. Arguments take place. We get criticised. There could be some truth in there and depersonalising it and actually being open to learning is empowering in itself.
Listening Skills Become Sharper: When we realise there is value in listening to what is being said or the lesson being taught, we become an active listener.
Become Less Stressed: When we acquire the ability to let go of our negative feelings and thoughts we naturally become less stressed. Letting go of worries and fears releases the stress that we hold when we are in a defensive mode.
We cannot control a lot of what happens to us, but when we learn to embrace difficulty, hardship or criticism, amazing things can happen.
Instils Motivation: Many times hardship offers opportunity to grow.
Create Clear Boundaries: There are times when people deliver their message in less than tolerable ways. When this happens we can reply with, “You are making some valuable points but I would be more willing to accept them if you didn’t raise your voice.”
Accept Imperfection: Tough times will remind us that it is okay to have imperfections – for ourselves and others. If we can admit we aren’t perfect and strive to make improvements, we’ll experience more happiness, peace, joy and success.
They answer: "Believe in Myself"
Trust is vital to living a happy and fulfilling life.
Without trust we constantly live under the fear of the ‘unknown’ and of impending disaster. At the heart of things our lack of trust in the world and others is a lack of trust in ourselves. We don’t trust that we are capable of making the right decisions or choosing the right people.
Learning to trust others starts with learning to trust ourselves, and that is why boundaries, taking responsibility and self-awareness is so important in my teachings.
They answer: "I want to Look After Myself"
When we are in charge of ourselves, we do right by us. We create the safety we need in the world.
We no longer say phrases like “Before I knew what was happening, I…” or “I have no idea how I got myself into this mess…” or “She made me do it…” or “He should know what I like…”.
We deeply feel our responsibility to ourselves and having our own back. And we take it seriously.
Without trust we constantly live under the fear of the ‘unknown’ and of impending disaster. At the heart of things our lack of trust in the world and others is a lack of trust in ourselves.
We know there is no shame in saying “no” to extra work, responsibility or obligations. Because we need to honour and commit to the work, responsibility or obligations that we already have and are our priority. It is an expression of love to serve those people and duties with the best we have to give. We don’t allow precious energy to go elsewhere.
We understand the language we use in our own heads and when speaking with other people really matters. Being respectful and patient increases our self-esteem, being disrespectful and snide decreases our esteem.
We listen to our bodies and what they communicate to us all the time. We tune in to what and who provokes anxiety and stress, and also what and who evokes calm and safety. This serves as a compass for us and we make our choices based on what and who feels right.
We say what we mean and mean what we say. No more walking on eggshells, no more pretzelling, no more people pleasing. Just polite, respectful honesty. We be who we are, and let others be who they are.
Resilience can be a set of tools that help us have faith, trust and look after ourselves. It can also be a touchstone that serves to remind us of our inherent worth. It can be a symbol of our strength and our determination. It can be a nurturing act that wipes our brow when we’re in the firing line of life.
It is probably all these things. And you are capable of each one.
