A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else. Think for a moment how often we use the phrases, “I had to”, “She/he made me” or “Well, someone had to” when explaining why we did or did not do something.⁠
⁠
We can all too easily lose sight of the very real decisions we are making, which are often not in our best interests. These could be because of people-pleasing, co-dependency, unhealthy family roles, imbalanced relationships or a need to be needed or liked. ⁠
⁠
But whatever the reason, our mental and emotional well-being requires us to acknowledge our limits and when we do choose to give, to do so with an open heart and an open hand (ie: not out of fear, obligation or habit, and without resentment or bitterness).⁠

Some questions to ask yourself:

- Is this person open to discussing boundaries? Is it appropriate in this situation?
- Is it necessary to verbalise the boundaries to the other person or simply implement them in my own behaviour and thinking?
- What is realistic to expect of this person or situation?
- How can I look after myself and take responsibility for how available I make myself?
- How can I have internal boundaries about how much emotion and time I allow this to take from me?
- How can I be kind and respectful but still do what I need to do to look after myself (which is my responsibility)?

From a mental health perspective we want to strive for emotional stability + mental resilience, so it’s useful and important to be reviewing and assessing all the time our reactions to certain people and situations. This simply means being aware of how much energy certain things require from us, so we can become better at managing our energy reserves as we go about our lives.

We can all too easily lose sight of the very real decisions we are making, which are often not in our best interests. These could be because of people-pleasing, co-dependency, unhealthy family roles, imbalanced relationships or a need to be needed or liked. ⁠ 

Things to notice:

- How you feel (ie: what your body communicates to you) when called upon by certain people or situations.
- How you feel (ie: what your body communicates to you) AFTER you have just done something for someone.

Often it’s our bodies that are the most reliable judges. Certain people or situations may bring up anxiety (we notice we stop breathing, our heart races, or we begin to dread and think negatively), fear (our nerves start fizzing, we sweat or get the chills) or shame (hot and cold rushes and tingling sensations in body). This is key information to have to begin looking after ourselves & figuring out what boundaries will be imperative to put in place so we don’t get triggered. ⁠
⁠
So as we are putting things in our diary and planning ahead we can begin to recognise when we are putting ourselves under significant stress or asking too much of ourselves in a day or week. If we know an event or meeting is going to be particularly taxing we need to have boundaries around that & do what we need to do to look after ourselves. We can be sure to prep early, arrange to rest beforehand and/or afterwards, we can ask someone to accompany us, we can put a time limit on how long we are there. All of these are examples of boundaries and can help us meet our responsibilities but take care of ourselves too.⁠
⁠
The idea is to choose what we can do – and do that to the best of our ability – and if we recognise it’s unlikely we can do that due to being spread too thin, or it’s not in our best interest, it’s best to not commit. As you won’t be giving it the time and energy it deserves, or you could end up doing more harm than good, exhausting (or worse, triggering) yourself and setting yourself back for any of your other responsibilities and commitments.⁠

If we know an event or meeting is going to be particularly taxing we need to have boundaries around that & do what we need to do to look after ourselves.

What it looks like:

Recognise or notice if you are likely to be reactive. Breathe, emotionally regulate and regain full control of yourself. Then talk about yourself and not the other person.

- "I'm afraid that does not work for me"
- "I need longer to do this thoroughly and properly"
- "I'm so sorry to miss that, but I can't make it"
- "I need to think about that and will get back to you"
- "In future please ask me before making decisions that involve me"
- "I'd love to help, but I won't be able to given my current workload"

Boundaries can be reminders to ourselves that we are human and have limits. Many of us can say “yes” and commit to things long before we’ve even considered if we are able, it’s a good idea or we are the best person for the task.⁠
⁠
If we are prone to taking on too much or struggle to say “no”, having boundaries reminds us we are not:⁠
⁠
a) God ⁠ - The world and its workings are not down to us and won’t fall apart if we look after ourselves ⁠
b) Super-human ⁠ - We are not fictitious, animated cartoons with inhuman abilities and powers. We are human and are not able to take on all things, at all times, for everyone.⁠
⁠
These boundaries I’ve given here are honouring the responsibilities we do have that shouldn’t be compromised by taking on other things. They also respect our mental and emotional health.⁠
⁠
Ironically it is when we say “no” to some things, we are protecting our time and our own well-being so we can meet the commitments and responsibilities we want to prioritise to the best of our ability. We arrive to these people and places with our tanks full and able to give of ourselves wholeheartedly.⁠
⁠
When we over-stretch ourselves we risk doing things half-heartedly or resentfully and also making ourselves unwell in the process too. That isn’t really doing anyone a favour.⁠
⁠

Step 1: Assess The Person Or Situation

Step 2: Notice Your Emotions – They Are Your Ultimate Guide

Step 3: Calmly Take Responsibility For Yourself And Express What You Need

Boundaries can be reminders to ourselves that we are human and have limits. Many of us can say “yes” and commit to things long before we’ve even considered if we are able.

Step 4: Realise Our Thoughts And Emotions Are Our Responsibility

What it looks like:

When we are becoming too extreme we need to moderate what we are thinking and feeling. Know that we sometimes cannot trust our thinking and that feelings are not facts.
⁠
- Not using abusive language in our heads to describe ourselves or others.
- Have a time limit on how long we think or worry about something.
- Recognising when we are triggered and taking a time out.
- Having distractions or activities at hand to help shift repetitive or obsessive thoughts.
- Use positive self-talk for balance and perspective.

For those of us with anxiety, depression, attachment issues and such like, it isn’t just things outside of us we need to protect ourselves from, it’s things on the inside too. Things like extreme negative thinking, toxic beliefs and uncontrollable emotions.⁠
⁠
Without boundaries around these things we are likely to stay very unwell and can cause ourselves and others a lot of suffering.⁠
⁠
When we are triggered or in our script, we will roll out our familiar, well-worn monologues of bitterness, sadness, disappointment or worry. And we will feel the anxiety, anger and pain to go with them. This can be a roller-coaster ride we really do not need to go on.⁠
⁠
Internal boundaries are the loving, nurturing part of us that takes us in hand when we’re getting wobbly or unstable, and helps us stay steady. They calm us so we can move away from the extremes and back into balance.⁠
⁠
Our inner lives are our main life experience. We are with ourselves, after all, wherever we go, whoever we may be with. I want my clients to have loving boundaries in place for themselves to manage how extreme they allow themselves to go in their feeling, and how negative they can go in their thinking.⁠
⁠
So of course emotional regulation and self-soothing play a part in this. And all the other tools and strategies I’ve outlined before. ⁠
⁠
These boundaries are more direct – they remind us of our limits and what is healthy.⁠

When we are becoming too extreme we need to moderate what we are thinking and feeling. Know that we sometimes cannot trust our thinking and that feelings are not facts.

Step 5: Recognise It’s In Our Personal relationships we let a lot of basics slide

What it looks like in action:

The basics we let slide are respect, care, manners and kindness. We need to commit to speaking and behaving in ways that respects us and respects the other person. We do this by noticing when you’re triggered. Observing our tone of voice, language and attitude. Practicing self-care: self-soothe, emotionally regulate, communicate with care and patience, and stay ‘adult’. Talk from the ‘I’ & not the ‘you’, and be as specific as we can.

- I would love some help with ___.
- I'd appreciate you just listening to me, I’m not ready for solutions yet.
- I really enjoy spending time together, let’s plan a fun day this weekend.
- I’m needing some downtime on my own, let’s meet up tonight at 8pm and reconnect.
- I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time.
- I’m feeling too angry to continue this discussion. Let’s talk tomorrow after dinner.

It’s often in our most intimate relationships we are the most boundaryless.⁠
⁠
Therapist Terrence Real coined the phrase “unbridled self-expression”, which speaks of the uncontrolled criticising, punishing or complaining we can do to loved ones. In our hurt or anger, we feel justified and entitled to let our frustrations out on our partners with the full force of our fear, rage & upset. We are not in control of ourselves. This is the ‘Fight’ in our trauma response & can become normalised very quickly.⁠
⁠
Sometimes we are fighting with our partners to draw them close and to 'prove' their passion for us, and other times we are fighting to push our partners away to create the space and distance we crave.⁠
⁠
Boundary work: Reining in our reactivity, emotionally regulating and being in control when we speak – and communicating our needs and desires more directly.⁠
⁠
The flipside to the above is having boundaries to help us with the emotional detachment we need in relationships. If we are co-dependent (or in co-dependent relationships) and/or have attachment issues, our reactivity in relationships can be significant and we can be hurt repeatedly especially if our partners have mental health issues, addictions or their own attachment issues. With this awareness we can create buffers between ourselves and our loved ones, so we ‘don’t get blown about by every wind’, as co-dependency legend Melody Beattie puts it. And if your relationship is going through a hard time it’s crucial, as you will be getting triggered all the time and go into a boundaryless way of thinking and behaving very easily.⁠
⁠
Boundary work: ‘Detach with love’ is the Al-Anon phrase which speaks of emotionally stepping back from someone or a dynamic, letting go of the need to fix, make okay or retaliate. We hold onto our love for the person and remove ourselves from the emotional entanglement as we risk getting enmeshed (stuck in a negative cycle). ⁠

We need to commit to speaking and behaving in ways that respects us and respects the other person. We do this by noticing when we’re triggered.

Step 6: Live Your Life In a Boundaried Way

What it looks like:

- Know you have the capacity to pause and question whether something is right for you before saying "yes".
- Remembering it is not someone else's job to look after you. It's your job.
- We must make sure we are choosing what we do in our lives and then do so wholeheartedly.
- It is human to have limits and we must know what ours are and accept that.
- Boundaries are about maintaining our well being: Managing anxiety, overwhelm and our triggers.
- Emotional boundaries are about helping be in control of how extreme we get.
- Relational boundaries help us stay close to people but distanced from dysfunction.

Living a boundaried life is a mind-set. Yes, it’s saying ‘no’ to things, it’s knowing our alcohol limit, it’s not assuming the victim position in every argument etc etc, but it’s also a way of being.⁠
⁠
It’s a quiet confidence because we have our eyes wide open and are making loving choices for ourselves in all areas of our lives. ⁠
⁠
We no longer say phrases like “Before I knew what was happening, I…” or “I have no idea how I got myself into this mess…” or “She made me do it…” or “He should know what I like…”.⁠
⁠
We deeply feel our responsibility to ourselves and having our own back. And we take it seriously.⁠
⁠
We now know there is no shame in saying “no” to extra work, responsibility or obligations. Because we need to honour and commit to the work, responsibility or obligations that we already have and are our priority. It is an expression of love to serve those people and duties with the best we have to give. We don’t allow precious energy to go elsewhere.⁠
⁠
We understand the language we use in our own heads and when speaking with other people really matters. Being respectful and patient increases our self-esteem, being disrespectful and snide decreases our esteem.⁠
⁠
We listen to our bodies and what they communicate to us all the time. We tune into what and who provokes anxiety and stress, and also what and who evokes calm and safety. This serves as a compass for us and we make our choices based on what and who feels right.⁠
⁠
We say what we mean and mean what we say. No more walking on eggshells, no more pretzelling, no more people pleasing. Just polite, respectful honesty. We be who we are, and let others be who they are.⁠
⁠
We recognise that life is short and outside of our crucial obligations and responsibilities, we had better enjoy ourselves. What are we doing here if not to chase joy whenever we can???⁠