If you recognise that you and possibly your partner can escalate arguments or become too intensely angry very quickly in disputes, having this self-awareness is very important.
If we know we can get hot-headed, we need to take responsibility for that and start learning some tools to help raise our self awareness so we can control the way we respond in high stress situations.
Here are the 4 most typical behaviours when it comes to dealing with anger in relationships:
Escalators do the opposite of what therapists want you to do, which is they pour more fuel on the fire when things are already quite heated. High conflict couples are notorious for this – goading each other or becoming more and more emotionally dysregulated and not recognising the need to take a time out and calm down.
- Notice it in our bodies or in our thinking
- Notice our tone of voice changing
- Notice our chest tightening
- Notice our heart rate increasing
These are signs to do the opposite of what we would normally do:
1: Take A Time Out: - If you can feel yourself getting too angry, irritated or hurt, or you can see your partner might be, it is far better to gently end, or pause, the conversation, as continuing to engage will generally only escalate into unhelpful, potentially damaging exchanges.
2: Stay Grounded: - As we’ve covered before, adrenaline and stress triggers our ‘fight or flight’ response, making us aggressive or hurtful. We can dilute and reduce the adrenaline with deep breathing and slowing down the exchange. Pause between sentences. Breathe together for 3 full minutes. Only proceed if you both feel in control of your responses.
3: Moderate Your Negative Thinking: - When our ‘fight’ response is triggered it will put us on the attack, not useful for constructive discussions and negotiations. If you find yourself becoming negative, critical or defensive, bring your focus back to the here-and-now: you are with someone you love who loves you.
4: Communicate with integrity: - Be honest, be real, but do it without the edge. Useful phrases are: “It hurts my feelings when…” “I know I look angry but I’m really just sad/hurt/upset/scared…”
Being able to keep your reactions, tone of voice, behaviour and thinking constructive allows disagreements or misunderstandings to not escalate or become damaging.
Escalators do the opposite of what therapists want you to do, which is they pour more fuel on the fire when things are already quite heated.
Just because you don't agree doesn't make something irrelevant. Love means caring what someone thinks regardless.
If you invalidate your friends or partner – start to recognise this. It is deeply hurtful and can create huge divisions in your relationships.
Some things to think about around being more validating:
1. Everyone will have their own subjective experience of something. Intellectually we know this. Try to stay in this rational mindset.
2. In the context of a close relationship, just because you don’t agree, doesn’t make something irrelevant.
3. Understanding is not important when considering someone’s view. Strive to be curious and accepting that someone thinking something different is normal. You 'getting it' doesn’t actually matter.
4. Memorise some stock phrases that will stop things from escalating. For example:
“I didn’t know you felt that way”, “So you see things differently to me, that’s okay”. And if you’re feeling very emotionally intelligent you could say “It’s useful for me to know that’s your take on this behaviour”.
No one likes to be put down or dismissed.
Take responsibility for this and commit to giving someone the respect they deserve.
1. Escalation
2. Invalidation
If you invalidate your friends or partner – start to recognise this. It is deeply hurtful and can create huge divisions in your relationships.
3. Withdrawal
Withdrawers can emotionally disengage during a conversation by stonewalling or shutting down. They can physically disengage by storming off, leaving or absenting themselves from discussions or meetings. They can also be permanently remote, aloof and unreachable.
Withdrawal is a highly common behaviour in relationships, and it can occur frequently.
Someone might withdraw because the intensity of some relationship exchanges can be too much for them. Often these people don’t like conflict, and may experience raised voices or upset as frightening, frustrating or overwhelming. Hence the withdrawal.
Many of my male clients tell me they struggle to know what to do when their female partners are expressing deep anger or hurt upset. Indeed some practitioners and therapists believe that men don't metabolise heightened emotions the same way women do. Some women get release in expression and venting their emotions, whereas many men prefer a solitary processing of feelings that often involves quiet, methodical or tuning out activities.
It might also be part of an avoidant process where someone may struggle to stay present during difficult conversations.
Sometimes it’s obvious when we’re withdrawing. We are frustrated, flooded and we need space. Other times it’s not so obvious. We can slowly or suddenly shutdown and we have an absence of emotion.
As a therapist I have been trained to tolerate discomfort. I suggest my clients do the same. Staying with and not reacting into or away from conflict is hugely counter-intuitive for us. But we need to develop this resilience if we are to connect with our loved ones.
I encourage you to become more aware of when you are taking yourself away from situations, or when you’re feeling a bit emotionless. And then, courageously taking a step *into* the relationship:
• Slow down the exchange
• Ask a question
• Focus on your breathing
• Explain what’s happening for you but say you want to connect
• Have a 6 second hug
Managing your feelings of discomfort around this will take a lot of self-soothing, emotional regulation and self-care. But it’s also what will make you a more emotionally mature and resilient person.
Withdrawers can emotionally disengage during a conversation by stonewalling or shutting down.
4. Negative Interpretation
Negative Interpreters will read something offensive or upsetting into any comment and be forced to then go on the attack or the defensive.
This is because we think our partner's motives are more negative than they actually are and so it allows us to think of ourselves as the innocent victim. The problem with this is that we will start to feel like our partner is always out to get us and by us being the ‘innocent victim’, we relieve ourselves of our responsibility in the situation.
This negative perspective eventually leads to viewing even neutral actions as negative and once this pattern of thinking becomes a habit, it makes improving the relationship very difficult.
We are so vulnerable in relationships, that in times of disagreement or conflict our fear can see every statement through a highly negative lens. Old and new wounds can merge, and the pain just gets greater and greater.
To combat this we need to shift our negative interpretations to more positive ones.
Here is a great 3 step strategy to try:
1: Do a relationship history to establish our assumptions about our partners. You can download a free copy here.
2: Develop awareness of our negative interpretation. Look for evidence that disproves the harsh beliefs we have about our partners.
3: Own our feelings and needs and instead of blaming or defending, express our true feelings about the situation and what we are longing for.
