1. We focus more on the other when dealing with an emotionally unavailable person.
2. We are inevitably going to have our script triggered in relationships and this can negatively distort our thinking and behaviour.
3. In relationships our attachment trauma can also get triggered and we then can behave in self destructive ways that sabotage our relationship.
4. When we go for emotionally unavailable people we will often over-function in the relationship and become a codependent people-pleaser.

What We Covered This Week:

Week 21 Round Up

In this Round Up I discuss my Emotional Unavailability Teaching.

Therapy is about us and our processes and behaviour. Often our focus can be on ‘the other’ when dealing with issues around emotional unavailability. For eg “Why won’t they text back?!” or “They need therapy!”.

When we do that we miss the learning for ourselves. What is happening for us when someone doesn’t text back straight away? What is this touching in us?

And this will teach us about our script. We are inevitably going to have our script triggered in our relationships. That’s where our responses can be disproportionate and our thinking negatively distorted.

In relationships our attachment trauma gets triggered. And then we can behave in self-destructive ways by sabotaging our relationships or spiralling into feeling unlovable and bad about ourselves.

So our focus needs to be on coming out of the trauma response of being triggered. This DOES NOT mean letting others off the hook or condoning bad behaviour.

It’s about us taking responsibility for our stuff, because accountability can start with us. When we step up, the invitation to our partners is for them to meet us there. If they can’t do that – that is important and useful information for us to decide what is right for us. It can help us with our decisions.

As we take responsibility for ourselves I also suggest approaching our partners with more compassion and empathy. My Losing Strategies posts and How Do You Behave When You Get Angry posts challenge us to see where we have room for growth.

Our process when we go for emotionally unavailable people is we are often codependent, people-pleasing, we over-function in relationships, and that is what we need to let go of to begin relating in healthier ways.

When we do we will attract the right people. If we engage with the world cool, calm, confident and with our house in order – that is a big shift for those of us who are accustomed to more codependent relationships with emotionally unavailable people.