We can become fixated on someone else and *changing* them - wanting them to behave in ways we say they ‘should’. A codependent belief is our well-being depends on the other person. If they do ____ then we’ll be okay/happy/can relax.
So our lives are on pause: we are ‘dependent’ on what someone else may or may not do. Whether or not they change in ways we want them to.⠀
Our lives need to progress and keep moving forward regardless of what is happening to those around us – even those closest to us. It doesn’t mean we stop caring or being supportive, we just don’t stop our own lives as a result.⠀
We mistake codependence for ‘helping’. Sometimes we give unsolicited help, we tell people what to do and we take over. And then if it’s not appreciated or acknowledged etc – we get resentful. That is not helping anyone!⠀
We can get ‘hooked into’ relationships where we are the caretaker/rescuer and also inadvertently enable the very behaviour we’re trying to ‘help’ with. We get hooked when it’s a relationship that means a lot to us and we are very emotionally invested.⠀
I say to clients when they’re rescuing someone: “You’re rescuing the wrong person.” Often our rescue impulse comes from a place in us that craves rescuing. We want to be looked after, focused on and tended to with love. We can be indirectly getting our needs met through this need-to-be-needed and ‘mattering’ to other people.⠀
What’s healthier is shifting the focus back to ourselves and ‘rescuing’ ourselves – beautifully and lovingly tending to our own needs, issues, hopes and dreams.⠀
Codependency in its simplest form is the over focus on other(s) and under focus on ourselves and it can apply to almost anyone.⠀
Rescuing is a big part of codependency. We need to be careful we don’t disempower the person we are trying to ‘help’ – we can take their responsibility away by taking responsibility *for* them.⠀
FIND ADDITIONAL TEACHINGS AND BONUS WORK THAT RELATE TO THIS VIDEO BELOW
Click here to download my Relationship History PDF that I created specifically for you to discover your patterns so you can know what to be working on.
Once you know what your patterns are, click here for a step-by-step guide about how to recognise these patterns, the behaviour that is sabotaging you and keeping you stuck, and what to do about it.
Once you can recognise your patterns, click here for tools and strategies to help you react in healthier ways when you get triggered by your partner.
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