We can become fixated on someone else and *changing* them - wanting them to behave in ways we say they ‘should’.  A codependent belief is our well-being depends on the other person. If they do ____ then we’ll be okay/happy/can relax.

So our lives are on pause: we are ‘dependent’ on what someone else may or may not do. Whether or not they change in ways we want them to.⠀
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Our lives need to progress and keep moving forward regardless of what is happening to those around us – even those closest to us. It doesn’t mean we stop caring or being supportive, we just don’t stop our own lives as a result.⠀

We mistake codependence for ‘helping’. Sometimes we give unsolicited help, we tell people what to do and we take over. And then if it’s not appreciated or acknowledged etc – we get resentful. That is not helping anyone!⠀

We can get ‘hooked into’ relationships where we are the caretaker/rescuer and also inadvertently enable the very behaviour we’re trying to ‘help’ with. We get hooked when it’s a relationship that means a lot to us and we are very emotionally invested.⠀
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I say to clients when they’re rescuing someone: “You’re rescuing the wrong person.” Often our rescue impulse comes from a place in us that craves rescuing. We want to be looked after, focused on and tended to with love. We can be indirectly getting our needs met through this need-to-be-needed and ‘mattering’ to other people.⠀
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What’s healthier is shifting the focus back to ourselves and ‘rescuing’ ourselves – beautifully and lovingly tending to our own needs, issues, hopes and dreams.⠀

Codependency in its simplest form is the over focus on other(s) and under focus on ourselves and it can apply to almost anyone.⠀

Rescuing is a big part of codependency. We need to be careful we don’t disempower the person we are trying to ‘help’ – we can take their responsibility away by taking responsibility *for* them.⠀

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