We are doers, we get stuff done. That’s a great character trait, but we can get tired, over-worked, overrun, and we can neglect ourselves... and then our busyness and taking care of others becomes unhealthy for *us*.

Of course we have things we must turn up for – family, work, community obligations. But if our personality type is we tend to take on too much, people can look to us to do things and it becomes an expectation from those around us.

When I talk to my clients about self-care, doing things differently and really looking after themselves – they share they’d feel guilty. “That’s selfish,” they say.

Self-care is really important, because when we are looking after ourselves we are able to help and support others from a full cup.

Signs we’re not taking sufficiently good care of ourselves are when we begin to feel resentful, irritable or taken for granted. If we are to ‘give’, we should do it with an open heart and open hand, because we want to, and we are happy to gift our service to others. But we need to have the fuel in the tank to do it – that’s our responsibility.

The danger is we put everyone else first and we are bottom of the list – and we never get to ourselves. If we ever do, by that time we are so exhausted we will just collapse, watch trash telly, eat too much and drink too much, and likely complain a lot.

Self-care comes down to having boundaries – we need to have priorities and anything outside of that comes with a big question mark. Can I give to this person? Do I have the reserves? Am I likely to get resentful? If they don’t show sufficient gratitude will I get angry? If yes, that’s a sign we are not giving with an open heart – that is transactional giving. We are in danger of becoming the martyr in these instances.

Instead our mind-set can be: “I chose to do that. I take responsibility for my choice. If they don’t appreciate it in the way I would like, that’s okay, because I chose to do it. That’s on me.”

These boundaries can become part of our lives and contain our energies and preserve the people and things that are a priority. It also helps prevent burn out. If we burn out, the body speaks – “I am downing tools and need to recover”. And then we’re no good to anyone.

In this Agony Aunt session I address the basics of self-care and challenge you to think in new ways about how you 'help', what you prioritise and how to avoid becoming a martyr.⠀

We are doers, we get stuff done. That’s a great character trait, but we can get tired, over-worked, overrun, and we can neglect ourselves... 

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Self-care comes down to having boundaries – we need to have priorities and anything outside of that comes with a big question mark. 

Where we put our time is so important. We must have priorities, and we are one of them.

Sometimes we’re in precarious situations where bad things can happen if we aren’t helping/taking charge/sorting things out. As it is suggested in Al Anon, the 12 Step Fellowship, when we’re constantly spinning plates sometimes we need to let a plate fall.

By us doing less, we also invite other people to come in. We can ask for help, and be a bit more equal in our approach because in our compulsive helping we can go a bit superior in our mind – “it has to be me to save the day” etc – but if someone else picks up the slack, that might be really good for the other person too.

This is a mind-set about who we are – who are we in the world? We can still be great leaders in our family and community but it takes good self-esteem to look after ourselves first and foremost and then go out and be of help to the world from that resourced place.